So that's what it was

The past most of a year has been both a learning and a profound healing process for a lot of people.  I count myself one of them.
Anyone who is around me for more than five minutes knows that I don't think in conventional patterns.  Over the years I have struggled with the disconnect between the demands of the world around me, and a mind directed into channels that were distinctly non linear.
Non linear brains are highly creative, but with no resources they tend not to do well financially.  This becomes difficult when the non linear brain has to earn a living and support children.
Lack of formal education means low paying jobs with no upward mobility.  Poverty is a bitch.  
I have been able to find explanations for some of the ways I did not function over the years.  I knew for a long time that I could read very well and could not hand write.  It was one of the reasons that getting an education was frustrating.  Giving a name ( graphic Dyslexia) to the problem made it easier to explain.    Over the years I largely self taught me.  While I was raising children, I was buying college texts at garage sales and reading them, to learn as best I could. ( I wasn't stupid, just limited.)
The first real breakthrough  for me, was sitting at a computer keyboard and being able to write a paragraph and then a page with no brain lock.   I won't describe brain lock, I can't.  the closest I can get is  having your computer shut down in the middle of what you are doing, and  not re start for three hours, or maybe three minutes.  (you never know how long)  It also physically hurts.  Technology in the form of a computer gave me the hope that I might someday be able to get some higher education.
The next clue to my problems was a diagnosis of attention deficit disorder (ADD).  Aha. Other people have this too, I am not alone.
 Now I had both technology and some educational assistance  on my side.  I eventually found that with nutritional supplements, knitting, and a computer I had more than half a chance to go to college and do reasonably well.
Go I did.  I graduated and went ahead with my non linear career.  In the last year I found the last puzzle piece.
Traumatic Brain injury.
Without going into the history, I had several incidents where my brain was bashed. Some of them were accidental, some not.  My entire family has ADD to some extent or other.  The reason that I had an extraordinarily hard time was that extra piece.
I am still learning about this. 
Over the last months I have been learning about brain integration, finding pieces of myself in the strangest places, and coping with past history in the light of new information.  It hasn't been pretty, and there have been parts that involved my entire family.
Now I am learning to use the brain integration processes in my own work.
Present focus is on the Amegedela, the lizard brain, and the center of fear and safety.
Here Is what I have found out about making changes.
You may want, need and be ready  to make the change, and if the lizard brain  thinks that  the change is not safe, you will find it very very hard to make that change.
 In working with my wonderful group of willing guinea pigs, here are some of the things I learned that  the lizard brain has believed:

• I am safe when people are mad at me, 
• when I am fat, 
• when I am dead, 
• when I am in charge,
• when others are in charge, 
• when I am pretty,
• when I am ugly,
• when I am responsible for others happiness..... 

 some of these are held as opposite beliefs at the same time in the same brain(!)Amazing.
I still have places that are unhealed, and ways that I will have to cope with a brain that does not cooperate.  I have great hope that what I am learning will help others because I am sure that  I am not alone.  I know that there are others around that have had to cope with the same kind of  wayward brain.
I wonder what this means. 
I wonder how it will work.