Dear Aunt Ruth,
I have not written in the past week because things really went sideways last wednesday and I haven't been able to write here.
Mr Footless insisted that he must come home and did. As you can guess over the last few posts I am experiencing severe caregiver burn out. I found myself in panic and tears even at the thought of resuming my responsibilities, much less at the real life happening. Things have been spiraling into chaos in the house as Mr. Footless has been going down hill. I truly am unable to do this and my panic button was confirming it. He telephoned me to inform me that He was coming home and I had absolutely no say about any of it.
From a slight distance I thanked him for the news and stated that I would be sure to be gone when he got there. Without the painful details I am staying with a friend while we wait to see how long it takes for Mr. Footless to be hospitalized.
Yesterday I was on the receiving end of communication that he was in dire straights and that the ambulance had been summoned. This was in the middle of a massive traffic jam caused by the visit of the president who was coming to give a speech on campus.
I do not know what happened after that.
I am waiting on news. I would quite like to know if it would be safe to go and get some things that I didn't pack like my socks and my bike I also know that I don't want any contact with Mr Footless, I am just too vulnerable.
I will write to you as I am able
love
Dances
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
I have the weeps
Dear Aunt Ruth,
it's been a while since I wrote to you. I miss you terribly right now. In the years since you left us I find that I gather up things you would love to hear about and yet I can no longer send them to you and hear back from you about your life. I miss that.
The big reason that I have been missing you so much is Mr Footless. I would have so loved to talk over what was going on and gotten your sage opinion and counsel. Over the past six months to a year his health and mental functioning has declined to the point where he is back in the paranoia, hoarding and abusive past with his unstable diabetes and amputations to add into the mix. Last Saturday I had to call the ambulance because he was deathly ill with what turned out to be encephalitis, they never did figure out what kind.
On Sunday I began looking at my house and the yard. It ran over me in a huge wave that I didn't want him back home and I couldn't bring him back with the house as it was. Admitting that I don't want the love of my life back with me, that I am unable to give him the care he needs. Well I feel such a damn failure.
I have done the ethical and appropriate things, he is in the best long term care facility in town, He still is incredibly angry and I am doing the best I can with it all. I feel so upset and overwhelmed by the sudden change in circumstances.
I'm worried about my finances as well. I have twenty days to get everything straightened out and I don't see how I can manage at the present.
The hoarded mess in the house is just sitting there because I could do nothing with it until I had the care set up and I knew he was going to be admitted for both rehab and long term in the place of my choice. I'm sitting in the mess bawling and then I get up and throw something away.
I will have to get more done soon. This afternoon I cleaned off two more counters, something that his control issues had made impossible. I'm tired and I had set up my life to be away from the house as much as possible. I feel insane but I'm not and I know that in a little bit I can stop running, take a breath, throw a lot more things out. I'm going to be alright I just wish that it could be the month after next and I can see how it will be settled. I'm just hitting the peaks and things are slotting into place I have to keep going. My entire life has spun around and here I am, wishing I could sit and have a cup of tea with you. give my love to Uncle Bill and Uncle Jim, I'm sure that they would understand
Love Cath
it's been a while since I wrote to you. I miss you terribly right now. In the years since you left us I find that I gather up things you would love to hear about and yet I can no longer send them to you and hear back from you about your life. I miss that.
The big reason that I have been missing you so much is Mr Footless. I would have so loved to talk over what was going on and gotten your sage opinion and counsel. Over the past six months to a year his health and mental functioning has declined to the point where he is back in the paranoia, hoarding and abusive past with his unstable diabetes and amputations to add into the mix. Last Saturday I had to call the ambulance because he was deathly ill with what turned out to be encephalitis, they never did figure out what kind.
On Sunday I began looking at my house and the yard. It ran over me in a huge wave that I didn't want him back home and I couldn't bring him back with the house as it was. Admitting that I don't want the love of my life back with me, that I am unable to give him the care he needs. Well I feel such a damn failure.
I have done the ethical and appropriate things, he is in the best long term care facility in town, He still is incredibly angry and I am doing the best I can with it all. I feel so upset and overwhelmed by the sudden change in circumstances.
I'm worried about my finances as well. I have twenty days to get everything straightened out and I don't see how I can manage at the present.
The hoarded mess in the house is just sitting there because I could do nothing with it until I had the care set up and I knew he was going to be admitted for both rehab and long term in the place of my choice. I'm sitting in the mess bawling and then I get up and throw something away.
I will have to get more done soon. This afternoon I cleaned off two more counters, something that his control issues had made impossible. I'm tired and I had set up my life to be away from the house as much as possible. I feel insane but I'm not and I know that in a little bit I can stop running, take a breath, throw a lot more things out. I'm going to be alright I just wish that it could be the month after next and I can see how it will be settled. I'm just hitting the peaks and things are slotting into place I have to keep going. My entire life has spun around and here I am, wishing I could sit and have a cup of tea with you. give my love to Uncle Bill and Uncle Jim, I'm sure that they would understand
Love Cath
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Mr Footless is very sick
Mr Footless has been having a very hard day. In about another few minutes after I load and start the washer I am going to go in and torture him again. Torture being the absolutely cruel and unusual act of getting a blood sugar so that I can either make him drink something slightly sweet or add a bit of insulin to the system.( It was insulin time) So far he has been in the dumps (40) at 1 am through three thirty and vomiting regularly from 6 on. The bed has been stripped and everything needs washing. My concerns are dehydration and further insulin shock. Also He is bigger than me and if I need help who do I call? Mean time what time is it? it's washer time!
This is to add that Mr Footless was one hell of a lot sicker than I thought.
Shortly after I wrote the above I called the ambulance. He didn't even know that he was being taken off to the hospital and is still somewhat out of it a day later. Right now he has a working diagnosis of Encephalitis and is getting IV meds for bacteria,virus and fungus. I am all in, and going to bed.
This is to add that Mr Footless was one hell of a lot sicker than I thought.
Shortly after I wrote the above I called the ambulance. He didn't even know that he was being taken off to the hospital and is still somewhat out of it a day later. Right now he has a working diagnosis of Encephalitis and is getting IV meds for bacteria,virus and fungus. I am all in, and going to bed.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Getting to here from there
It has been a long week. A really long week.
At the end of it I am not sure where I am but it looks a bit like this. It looks like Lucile my loyal truck needs to find another home as soon as I can find other transportation.
Lucille has been the most loyal and reliable transportation you could imagine. She starts in below zero weather and in hundred and above. She goes without protest or problem and has been comfortable and easy to drive.
Right at the present moment she is in as good shape as she has ever been. Last Sunday she didn't start. I knew that she was working on a low battery and I even had one ready to put in. (I didn't know it but it was dead as a door nail but that wasn't known then) I assumed that the battery had bit the dust not to worry, I can put a battery in, have done many times before, I'm competent aren't I? So it started.
Mr. Footless thought that Maybe I was out of gas. Would you think that in all his fantastic pile of good stuff there was a gas can? There was. Did it have a spout? none of them did. I got a new gas can and added gas. no start. That's Sunday.
Monday. Battery is dead from cranking engine. Charge battery? Nope, tried that twice.
Tuesday. OK put new battery in, try again. Can't get bracket that holds old battery down undone. New Battery is dead too.
Meanwhile my schedule runs: Get up at 4 AM leave by 5 AM get five miles across town for prayers and orientation finish by 9:15 get to office two miles away by 10 Am see clients until somewhere around five or seven at night come home and check in with Mr Footless. Do something to get truck up and running, go to bed, rinse and repeat.
How am I making it across town and back in a timely manner? My dear sweet bicycle. Every day. Fifteen miles altogether. My legs hate me. So does my behind.
Wednesday. call mechanic. who does he recommend to tow poor Lucille in to his expert ministrations?
Got name. get home very late Mr Footless doesn't want truck towed; it costs too much money and he can fix her, right? if you would just cooperate we can do this.
Thursday. call tow truck and set time for about noon because I have put a big gap in my client schedule to deal with this. See first client, pedal home. Tell Mr Footless that the tow truck is coming. Listen to protests.
go meet tow truck and see Lucille off. Pedal back to work and the rest of my clients.
Mechanic calls. this is the diagnosis: Dead battery. Dead Fuel Pump. can replace battery from Walmart but fuel pump will cost big bucks.
Friday Bite Bullet tell mechanic to go ahead, Make me broke. pick up truck after work. runs better than it ever has. gas gauge is fixed. new mirror is on. Starts sweet as you please. The mechanic( bless his heart) took the dead battery to Walmart and got the new one so I didn't have to.
I am now going to the farmer's market to get fresh peaches. I'm going to make a top crust peach pie and take it in to the mechanic on Monday.
I'm incredibly tired. my behind hates me. I lost five pounds.
why do I need to get other transport? after all the problem is fixed and I have her back don't I?
well, really what it comes down to is that I don't need a pick up, I need a car that gets better mileage and that Mr footless will not be tempted to fill with crap. It needs to be one that Mr footless can get into or out of and that has many of Lucille's virtues. Starts like a champ, runs. air conditioning works, stops when told. relatively nimble and turns nicely. has seat belts. I can see out the wind screen. things like that. as soon as I can see what I want, Lucille is for sale. I will miss her terribly.
At the end of it I am not sure where I am but it looks a bit like this. It looks like Lucile my loyal truck needs to find another home as soon as I can find other transportation.
Lucille has been the most loyal and reliable transportation you could imagine. She starts in below zero weather and in hundred and above. She goes without protest or problem and has been comfortable and easy to drive.
Right at the present moment she is in as good shape as she has ever been. Last Sunday she didn't start. I knew that she was working on a low battery and I even had one ready to put in. (I didn't know it but it was dead as a door nail but that wasn't known then) I assumed that the battery had bit the dust not to worry, I can put a battery in, have done many times before, I'm competent aren't I? So it started.
Mr. Footless thought that Maybe I was out of gas. Would you think that in all his fantastic pile of good stuff there was a gas can? There was. Did it have a spout? none of them did. I got a new gas can and added gas. no start. That's Sunday.
Monday. Battery is dead from cranking engine. Charge battery? Nope, tried that twice.
Tuesday. OK put new battery in, try again. Can't get bracket that holds old battery down undone. New Battery is dead too.
Meanwhile my schedule runs: Get up at 4 AM leave by 5 AM get five miles across town for prayers and orientation finish by 9:15 get to office two miles away by 10 Am see clients until somewhere around five or seven at night come home and check in with Mr Footless. Do something to get truck up and running, go to bed, rinse and repeat.
How am I making it across town and back in a timely manner? My dear sweet bicycle. Every day. Fifteen miles altogether. My legs hate me. So does my behind.
Wednesday. call mechanic. who does he recommend to tow poor Lucille in to his expert ministrations?
Got name. get home very late Mr Footless doesn't want truck towed; it costs too much money and he can fix her, right? if you would just cooperate we can do this.
Thursday. call tow truck and set time for about noon because I have put a big gap in my client schedule to deal with this. See first client, pedal home. Tell Mr Footless that the tow truck is coming. Listen to protests.
go meet tow truck and see Lucille off. Pedal back to work and the rest of my clients.
Mechanic calls. this is the diagnosis: Dead battery. Dead Fuel Pump. can replace battery from Walmart but fuel pump will cost big bucks.
Friday Bite Bullet tell mechanic to go ahead, Make me broke. pick up truck after work. runs better than it ever has. gas gauge is fixed. new mirror is on. Starts sweet as you please. The mechanic( bless his heart) took the dead battery to Walmart and got the new one so I didn't have to.
I am now going to the farmer's market to get fresh peaches. I'm going to make a top crust peach pie and take it in to the mechanic on Monday.
I'm incredibly tired. my behind hates me. I lost five pounds.
why do I need to get other transport? after all the problem is fixed and I have her back don't I?
well, really what it comes down to is that I don't need a pick up, I need a car that gets better mileage and that Mr footless will not be tempted to fill with crap. It needs to be one that Mr footless can get into or out of and that has many of Lucille's virtues. Starts like a champ, runs. air conditioning works, stops when told. relatively nimble and turns nicely. has seat belts. I can see out the wind screen. things like that. as soon as I can see what I want, Lucille is for sale. I will miss her terribly.
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