Life has been undocumentable. I have not been able to talk about some of what is going on and have been too busy to document the rest.
Here is my thought for the holidays thanks to the sabbath prayer book
Days pass and the years vanish and we walk sightless among miracles.
Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing. Let there
be moments when your Presence, like lightning, illumines the darkness in
which we walk. Help us to see, wherever we gaze, that the bush burns,
unconsumed. And we, clay touched by God, will reach out for holiness and
exclaim in wonder, “How filled with awe is this place and we did not
know it.”
If I can sum up the last year in any way at all, this is it
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
What is mine
This morning after the usual waking rituals of tea, breakfast and morning talk, I went to the next ritual of get dressed. I noticed myself carefully picking up my bed clothes, folding them and putting them in the dresser that is my space. Then I thought about why.
In my house and life with Mr Footless I next to never did this. In that place and time I did not pick up and put away, sort, gather, or throw away. the house reflected this in a disordered mess that was both infuriating and very comforting. It was mine and therefore I could put it away or not. So I didn't.
In the places that I have been living over the last months, I have tried to be very very respectful of the shelter that I have been offered. So why?
I seem to have a very deeply ingrained sense of mine and thine. The training of don't touch what isn't yours has been written inside my head with a flaming sword.
Well, I have lived in places all my life that were not mine. The only place that has been mine as in I bought it I take care of it it is mine has been shared with Mr Footless and his sense of space made having space to myself that I could order or not as I chose difficult or impossible as his disorders and pain have gotten greater and more uncontrollable over the last years.
Suddenly I sit here with tears in my eyes and a sense of dislocation and loss. I have no place I call mine to lay my head, to keep my things.
Every day I must be so careful not to trespass on the space and ownership of the very kind people that have generously given me a place to stay.
Every day I have it in my lap that I am here because I can't go back to live in a place with such insanity in residence.
What has me in tears is the strong awareness that All of my life I have felt that I had to toe that line. Inspite of all the kindness I have had showered on me I feel a burden and unwelcome, intrusive and unable to avoid intruding.
It's a broken place and I can't see how to mend it.
In my house and life with Mr Footless I next to never did this. In that place and time I did not pick up and put away, sort, gather, or throw away. the house reflected this in a disordered mess that was both infuriating and very comforting. It was mine and therefore I could put it away or not. So I didn't.
In the places that I have been living over the last months, I have tried to be very very respectful of the shelter that I have been offered. So why?
I seem to have a very deeply ingrained sense of mine and thine. The training of don't touch what isn't yours has been written inside my head with a flaming sword.
Well, I have lived in places all my life that were not mine. The only place that has been mine as in I bought it I take care of it it is mine has been shared with Mr Footless and his sense of space made having space to myself that I could order or not as I chose difficult or impossible as his disorders and pain have gotten greater and more uncontrollable over the last years.
Suddenly I sit here with tears in my eyes and a sense of dislocation and loss. I have no place I call mine to lay my head, to keep my things.
Every day I must be so careful not to trespass on the space and ownership of the very kind people that have generously given me a place to stay.
Every day I have it in my lap that I am here because I can't go back to live in a place with such insanity in residence.
What has me in tears is the strong awareness that All of my life I have felt that I had to toe that line. Inspite of all the kindness I have had showered on me I feel a burden and unwelcome, intrusive and unable to avoid intruding.
It's a broken place and I can't see how to mend it.
Monday, October 8, 2012
A resting place on the road
dear Aunt Ruth,
this is a day to take a breath and then get on with whatever life has in store for me next.
I have moved on from my one friend's house. I spent an uncomfortable few days living in my office, Something that Dad thought might be a good idea. Trust me, sleeping in a Doctor's office has a lot in the down side. Like scaring the cleaning crew who likewise scared the heck out of me by popping into my room and turning on the overhead light at 2 AM. Massage tables are not good places to get a great night's sleep. They are high, hard and creak loudly when you turn over.
This week I am staying with another good friend while her spouse is out of town. This has been planned for a long time, so it was on the schedule no matter what had happened. I am very grateful for the shelter, She has been a good friend for a long time.
I still feel very sad. I realize that I am deeply homesick for Mr Footless as he was in the past. He has not been the person that I miss for a long time, and when we are in contact I keep looking at him and wondering "who are you, and what did you do with my husband?"
I also miss a house that I wanted and never had.
Mr Footless is not doing well. I think that managing on his own is more difficult than he would admit.
Among the things he has offered me as (I think) some sort of bait to come home is the great privilege of cleaning out the refrigerator. Just so long as I leave his Mountain Dew alone. Oh and he wants to pass judgement on what gets thrown out.
I pass.
I have no real idea what my next housing solution will be. My good friend is enjoying my presence here. She has mentioned negotiating rent and having me stay for a more extended length of time. Time will tell.
Say hello to Uncle Bill and Uncle Jim and tell them I miss them.
Dances
this is a day to take a breath and then get on with whatever life has in store for me next.
I have moved on from my one friend's house. I spent an uncomfortable few days living in my office, Something that Dad thought might be a good idea. Trust me, sleeping in a Doctor's office has a lot in the down side. Like scaring the cleaning crew who likewise scared the heck out of me by popping into my room and turning on the overhead light at 2 AM. Massage tables are not good places to get a great night's sleep. They are high, hard and creak loudly when you turn over.
This week I am staying with another good friend while her spouse is out of town. This has been planned for a long time, so it was on the schedule no matter what had happened. I am very grateful for the shelter, She has been a good friend for a long time.
I still feel very sad. I realize that I am deeply homesick for Mr Footless as he was in the past. He has not been the person that I miss for a long time, and when we are in contact I keep looking at him and wondering "who are you, and what did you do with my husband?"
I also miss a house that I wanted and never had.
Mr Footless is not doing well. I think that managing on his own is more difficult than he would admit.
Among the things he has offered me as (I think) some sort of bait to come home is the great privilege of cleaning out the refrigerator. Just so long as I leave his Mountain Dew alone. Oh and he wants to pass judgement on what gets thrown out.
I pass.
I have no real idea what my next housing solution will be. My good friend is enjoying my presence here. She has mentioned negotiating rent and having me stay for a more extended length of time. Time will tell.
Say hello to Uncle Bill and Uncle Jim and tell them I miss them.
Dances
Sunday, September 30, 2012
moving along
I am finally back in a place with access to my own computer, so I can post more regularly.
I have moved to my office as my sleeping place. My friend needed her house to her self and I had been there for a very long time (six weeks)
I am after all paying an exorbitant amount for the privilege of an office in a Doctors office. I need to find a cheaper space, meantime it is paid for. It has a shower. It is private. it has heating and cooling, a refrigerator and a microwave. I will be over at another house next week.Right now it has what I need to make it work.
seven months to housing.
I have moved to my office as my sleeping place. My friend needed her house to her self and I had been there for a very long time (six weeks)
I am after all paying an exorbitant amount for the privilege of an office in a Doctors office. I need to find a cheaper space, meantime it is paid for. It has a shower. It is private. it has heating and cooling, a refrigerator and a microwave. I will be over at another house next week.Right now it has what I need to make it work.
seven months to housing.
Friday, September 14, 2012
slightly dizzy but still standing
Dear Aunt Ruth,
It's been a while since I was able to post here. I have been staying with a friend for the past few weeks. The past week has been one where I was house sitting her place. She has a lovely elderly kitty who has accepted me as the dispenser of good things and I am looking at what happens next.
I went back to the house to get another load of things I need to be comfortable. At that time Mr Footless was still in a state of rage and focusing on his muddled idea that somehow I had drained his bank account and was intent on doing him down. I brought a friend along to help. The help asked being her standing around while I grabbed what I needed because she is the most verbally abusive person I have among my friends and Mr Footless is a bit intimidated by her. I picked up my bike, more clothes, my sock yarn and the computer. Somehow the fact of having the yarn has been a great stabilizer for my sense of well being. I have had a lot more calm ever since.
Mr Footless is still in residence at the house. He has finally stopped raging and has begun asking what would make it OK for me to move back in. I am too aware that after the rage comes the sweet talk to yo yo me back in. He has offered to have me come back with some promises of how I could have exactly what I had before. I am not interested in that, that's what I walked out on. I have lost everything I could lose in this situation so I can ask for whatever I want and I know how that works.
At present I have filled out forms for housing. The wait lists run from three months to seven years so I need a temporary nest while waiting for a permanent nest. It is possible that there might be a temporary place but it is nebulous at present.
I am praying and doing my best to stay open for all things possible. I had one piece of inspiration that had nothing to do with anything that I have been struggling with. The last time I had one like this was during the horrible custody battle and it was the direction to learn to spin. Well a lot that was wonderful came of that one, including a network of friends and a whole lot of socks.
I will be following up on this one, it has to do with music, this week following.
I will check in more often, I found a place to post from that is comfortable to use.
give my love to Uncle Jim and Uncle Bill, and ask them to watch out for me.
Love,
Dances
It's been a while since I was able to post here. I have been staying with a friend for the past few weeks. The past week has been one where I was house sitting her place. She has a lovely elderly kitty who has accepted me as the dispenser of good things and I am looking at what happens next.
I went back to the house to get another load of things I need to be comfortable. At that time Mr Footless was still in a state of rage and focusing on his muddled idea that somehow I had drained his bank account and was intent on doing him down. I brought a friend along to help. The help asked being her standing around while I grabbed what I needed because she is the most verbally abusive person I have among my friends and Mr Footless is a bit intimidated by her. I picked up my bike, more clothes, my sock yarn and the computer. Somehow the fact of having the yarn has been a great stabilizer for my sense of well being. I have had a lot more calm ever since.
Mr Footless is still in residence at the house. He has finally stopped raging and has begun asking what would make it OK for me to move back in. I am too aware that after the rage comes the sweet talk to yo yo me back in. He has offered to have me come back with some promises of how I could have exactly what I had before. I am not interested in that, that's what I walked out on. I have lost everything I could lose in this situation so I can ask for whatever I want and I know how that works.
At present I have filled out forms for housing. The wait lists run from three months to seven years so I need a temporary nest while waiting for a permanent nest. It is possible that there might be a temporary place but it is nebulous at present.
I am praying and doing my best to stay open for all things possible. I had one piece of inspiration that had nothing to do with anything that I have been struggling with. The last time I had one like this was during the horrible custody battle and it was the direction to learn to spin. Well a lot that was wonderful came of that one, including a network of friends and a whole lot of socks.
I will be following up on this one, it has to do with music, this week following.
I will check in more often, I found a place to post from that is comfortable to use.
give my love to Uncle Jim and Uncle Bill, and ask them to watch out for me.
Love,
Dances
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
We are encountering turbulence please fasten your seatbelts
Dear Aunt Ruth,
I have not written in the past week because things really went sideways last wednesday and I haven't been able to write here.
Mr Footless insisted that he must come home and did. As you can guess over the last few posts I am experiencing severe caregiver burn out. I found myself in panic and tears even at the thought of resuming my responsibilities, much less at the real life happening. Things have been spiraling into chaos in the house as Mr. Footless has been going down hill. I truly am unable to do this and my panic button was confirming it. He telephoned me to inform me that He was coming home and I had absolutely no say about any of it.
From a slight distance I thanked him for the news and stated that I would be sure to be gone when he got there. Without the painful details I am staying with a friend while we wait to see how long it takes for Mr. Footless to be hospitalized.
Yesterday I was on the receiving end of communication that he was in dire straights and that the ambulance had been summoned. This was in the middle of a massive traffic jam caused by the visit of the president who was coming to give a speech on campus.
I do not know what happened after that.
I am waiting on news. I would quite like to know if it would be safe to go and get some things that I didn't pack like my socks and my bike I also know that I don't want any contact with Mr Footless, I am just too vulnerable.
I will write to you as I am able
love
Dances
I have not written in the past week because things really went sideways last wednesday and I haven't been able to write here.
Mr Footless insisted that he must come home and did. As you can guess over the last few posts I am experiencing severe caregiver burn out. I found myself in panic and tears even at the thought of resuming my responsibilities, much less at the real life happening. Things have been spiraling into chaos in the house as Mr. Footless has been going down hill. I truly am unable to do this and my panic button was confirming it. He telephoned me to inform me that He was coming home and I had absolutely no say about any of it.
From a slight distance I thanked him for the news and stated that I would be sure to be gone when he got there. Without the painful details I am staying with a friend while we wait to see how long it takes for Mr. Footless to be hospitalized.
Yesterday I was on the receiving end of communication that he was in dire straights and that the ambulance had been summoned. This was in the middle of a massive traffic jam caused by the visit of the president who was coming to give a speech on campus.
I do not know what happened after that.
I am waiting on news. I would quite like to know if it would be safe to go and get some things that I didn't pack like my socks and my bike I also know that I don't want any contact with Mr Footless, I am just too vulnerable.
I will write to you as I am able
love
Dances
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