things move on

Mr Footless's feet are headed to Africa to walk for someone else.

Having an assessment about things

I seem to have hit a wall.  Goodness  knows that I have faced walls before.  I have done a lot of things that seemed impossible and looked to me like I would never be able to do them.  I understand the value of persistence, calm action in the face of wanting to run screaming down the street, wanting to cry and quit.
I am considering if I have come upon a place that is permanently broken. If it is, I will simply have to build bridges around it,or if I have accidentally overloaded myself and if I temporarily back off and try to proceed more slowly I can get through.
the vision therapy is working on the more intense parts of convergence.  About an hour after I finish one of the new exercises I find myself in a state of fight or flight rage and sorrow that lasts, well it lasts a long time.
I know that in part it is being exacerbated by what is becoming increasingly clear  is positional PTSD.  My present class seat is making this a whole lot worse.  I did not know that I should not be sitting where I have to turn my head to the right and constantly refocus my eyes while turning between the front and the computer screen.
I know that now.
Up to the last week I have been spending my time too freaked out to climb out of my tree and cope with my life.  I finally took enough time to just, sit, long enough to be able to focus on homework and get some things done.
I don't know what to do.  I don't like quitting when I can see the benefits of proceeding. At the same time I can't have another semester like this, it takes too much out of me.
I also hate the trauma that broke me, and left me with these problems and I will not let it or the perpetrators win.  If I give up do they win?  If I let myself be broken while I see a way of repairing the broken parts do they win?  If I am not strong enough to do this, do they win?
Am I backing down or backing away to get a run up?  Am I leaving the object I can not move, or going out to find a lever?  I think I may be shifting into a lower gear for the steeper grade.  If I don't bomb through it all at top speed and it still gets done, it is still done.  Whose timetable am I working on anyway?
Mine. Really. If I do it slower and from lower down it will still happen.  I may be facing a wall but I am not stuck in a situation I can not escape, and my distress is not permanent.
screw normal. I can only be me as well as I can.
   

And a thousand words more

please note: the door is closed.  I got Lucille in there and closed the door.  I got it done.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Here is a picture that I could not have enough words to say.

kind of in the middle

now

almost there, another few things need to go.

Indulging in excess

Yesterday I overdid.  In fact this entire weekend I overdid.  It started on Friday when I dropped everything at a moments notice to go dancing, knowing that I was also going dancing Saturday and had to provide snacks for the dance as well as doing my normal Saturday things.  So come Sunday  I had this day all planned in my head, that included cleaning up the kitchen and homework and building food for the rest of the week.  Then I got a text from Bestie.  she has been my friend for multi many years and had just got back from a trip to Italy. So instead of the quiet day doing things I needed to do for a calm week, I did do the kitchen cleanup mostly, and the rest of the day was spent in exercise. 
First I biked over to Bestie's house. Then we went on a hike up some lovely foothill country including a time sitting looking out over the next ridges and watching a hawk playing on the wind and hovering motionless until he would get bored and swoop and rise and find another  place to sit motionless with the wind holding him up.  We got back to her place, and I headed on. 
The ride back made me realize that I had not eaten in a long time and so I decided to detour  and hit the fish taco stand for a fast dinner.  I texted Sound guy these plans and we decided to meet up and do taco stand and eating together.  He was coming up from his place, and when I hit downtown  He was still a ways out so I decided to ride down along his route and meet him. 
two miles south, we meet up, and ride back together talking about what did we really want to eat.  We ended up at a pizza by the slice place.  After eating we were neither one ready to head back home.
So we went riding back up the  river trail another two miles, before heading down and towards my house. 
I would expect to be feeling like I had been hit by a truck after that much exercise.  I don't,  I am ever so slightly sore.
Four years ago I was extremely sedentary  as Mr Footless was failing and becoming more and more unstable.  I have physically transformed over the last three years.  I have my self, my strong energetic self back. 
I am so glad to see me again.

thinking about what happens next

As time goes on things have sorted out in a lot of different ways.  I keep learning about who I am and what I am able to do, and what I want to do that I am able to do, not necessarily the same thing.  The big question that I have circling in my brain is this: What happens next, and how?  What am I supposed to do, what can I do? and how will I get there from here?
Those are the distance questions.  Then there are the close up ones.  How do I make this day count in the scheme of things what are the tasks today that will count  for tomorrow and the distant future? I feel like I am building a bridge across air to a place I can't see with things I don't understand.  I have hopes  that I can't place and wants I can't articulate.  what do I want really?

•  To clean up the residual mess here, to sell this place and move to one that suits me better.  
• Something smaller, tidier, more manageable.
•  I want the means to live by my own lights.
•  If that means working, I want to work  somewhere that does not micromanage and that leaves me alone to do whatever it is. 
• Whatever my fears about getting from here to there, I want them not to drop me in my tracks.
• I want to live with no one in my personal living space. 
• I also want male companionship and cuddling from time to time.
• I have served others and cared for others all of my life.  I want to care for me mostly.  

I am still who I am.  I have a compassionate and caring heart. I just don't want to live giving all myself away. 
I am tired. I have a day in front of me I want to go back to bed.  Bed is boring. Time to move on.

Practice practice practice.  This is the latest Photoshop assignment.  The actual photo shoot will happen later today with someone who will not pick up and move the camera.