On to another impediment

I think that my modem/router is dying.  It needs repeated reboots to get on to doing it's job.  At some point it is going to go off and not go on.  Therefore today I am going to be talking to the powers that be and see if I can get a new one.  Meantime if there is a long deep silence here you know why.
So after that here are some more cards and commentary.

Clear Sight

What you expect, what you want, and what you need are different things.

They flavor the way we receive what is given.  We are most often given what we need.   It is not what we expect and may very well not be what we want.  We may be given great gifts that we don’t actually accept for a long time.

Of all the pieces that will trip you up, Expectation is the big one.  What we expect, and what we do and how we respond to not getting it, is all too often the growth point.

Knowing the difference between our needs and our expectations is a crucial piece of education.  Even now, I have to stop and ask, “What’s important here?”  When the chips are down, what is it you really need, and what can you do to get it?

The crossroads

There are a lot of stories told about Crossroads.  There are a lot of traditions about who you might meet and what might happen at the crossroads.  In the end it comes down to times and places where you have to choose one road or another, to do one thing and not another. 

The crossroads is a place to be very careful of the unintended consequences.  It is a place where sense and logic need to be weighed on the scales of the heart.  Choice is power here and choosing well is very important.

I stood in the crossroads for years unable to choose a road to go down.  It felt to me that I was asked to choose between two things. Either this way or that, and I could not make that choice, so I stayed still and did not move.  Finally in desperation, I cried out for help, because I couldn’t stand still there a moment longer.

  The sensation was immediate, and stunning.  I saw myself being pulled apart by my two directions. Then suddenly as if I was in a dance, the two poles spun me around and crossed my arms, leaving me facing an entirely different direction with my arms wrapped tightly around myself.  The invisible cosmic dance partner said to me” They are meant to hold you together, not to pull you apart” in a voice that was gentle, chiding and ever so slightly impatient.

In facing that new road I was able, finally, to make my way into a new life.  

Facing fear

The difference between headology and psychology can be explained a bit like this:  If you go to a psychologist and tell him that there is a monster in your closet, the psychologist will spend a lot of time trying to convince you that the monster is not there.  The headoligist will most likely give you a pot for a helmet, a big stick, point you in the right direction, and cheer you on. 

One of the best illustrations that I ever saw of this is in the movie Patch Adams. If you have seen the movie, remember the epic battle of the imaginary squirrels?

Getting into an argument about the reality of a monster is useless and pointless.   Taking it as a given that all monsters are real saves time and trouble.   In any case the fear is real, and if there is any monster in the world I vote fear as the one that causes all the problems. Heading out to whale on your monster can return your energy caught in fear to be used in a better way.

Smelling a bit like ham.

On Christmas day I was going visiting and chose to set a pork roast simmering to make pulled pork with.  Pulled pork is good stuff because it is a great ingredient for all kinds of supper.  Tonight was sort of stroganoffish and ladled over noodles.  Anyhow, in the middle of cooking I hear a faint "Oh Shit" from the basement followed by a largish puff of smoke. 
The Footless Man was starting up the wood stove and had it back up on us, a smoky smelly problem that seems to be a minor side effect of wood heat.  Every once in a while it pours a whole lot of smoke into the room and all you can do is open doors and windows and wait for the fog to clear.
Tomorrow I will go off to work smelling a bit like a ham, Permeated inside and out with the aromatic memory of last nights heat.

 

Sneasons greeting

One of the interesting pieces of being a practitioner of a religion that is not mainstream is the entire Holiday  hooplah.  How do you opt out of the mess, spending, overload and circuit blowing anxiety meltdown while honouring  those who feel that it is the mainspring of the year and terribly important?  How do you explain the opt out to your young offspring who are preparing to go annually to the big blowout provided by the ex's family?
My own take on it has been enjoy the celebrations of others while reserving my celebrations for my own holidays.  In the end it comes down to give gifts to those who gift at this time and give the rest at our later time.  nice boundaries Huh?  It is usually messier than that and now days my answer to people who ask if I celebrate Christmas and the time of year is: Culturally, yes.  Religiously, No.
I have step children and grandchildren who I make and give gifts to.  The office has a minor gifting that goes on.  My family members that celebrate get gifts now.   
I don't decorate, I don't bake.  There is no gathering of people and an eat until you explode orgy followed by a huge fight fueled by unresolved sibling resentment plus alcohol.  As it is I am going to go down and have a moderate dinner with my people, then I am coming back and going dancing. 
Even so I feel overloaded by the expectations of the season and I can't imagine what it would be like to put the kind of emotional load onto it that I see others doing. 
If that is your way then I hope that you have a wonderful time with it, a grand and messy time with way too much of everything good.

Two more for the record

Chicken Little

“The Sky is Falling, The Sky is falling, and we have to tell the king.”  And they all go running about creating panic and reveling in the drama.  The number of people using this as a way of life is truly amazing.  Create chaos to focus on, and avoid facing the important truths about yourself and your life.  It is entirely possible to live your entire life in this way and never address what is important unless it comes and hits you upside the head. 

There is a secondary version of Chicken Little syndrome headed up by what I call “The Get Ready men” I got the term from James Thurber’s book “My Life and Hard Times.”  He described the man who drove around in a car with a megaphone shouting “Get Ready, GET READY, THE WORRRRLD IS COMING TO AN ENDDDD.

There seem to be more and more times and places where get ready men are running around shouting about the end of the world.  The latest date seems to be 2012.

The problem with that is that it becomes very hard to tell when we should be listening and how to tell when something needs to be addressed.

I lived with someone who had Chicken Little syndrome.  At one point he called me in a screaming panic because the under sink pipes had disintegrated and the dishwasher was running.  He needed to shut off the circuit breaker before the drain cycle.  I could not get him to shut up and listen long enough to guide him through shutting off a switch that was on the wall in front of him.  
Learning to flat line the drama and take care of the mess of life is a hard task for people who want to address every need with "When in worry when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout" ( Ogden Nash).
People who don't participate in the chicken little drama are very disappointing to those who do.

Compost

There are seasons of the soul.  They seem to run at about double speed to the year.  There are times where your creative juices flow and you work on projects and things come together. Then after the seed time the fruit and flower and the harvest, comes Compost when things begin to wither and decay.  Compost is the time when you feel like shit, don’t want to move, and all your emotional ugly comes and sits on your doorstep. This is a time when any thing unpleasant will hit harder and process more slowly, new ideas don’t come and everything grates.

So what do you do with it?  First off, any avoidance maneuvers don’t work.

• Being aware that Compost brings needed loss so that whatever is next has room to grow helps.
• Knowing what your season cycle is and about when you can expect compost to hit helps too. 
• Rolling with the spirit of quiet, decay and just letting you have a down time helps.  
•  Setting up your work schedule to accommodate the fallow periods gives you some recharge space, and that helps too. 

The springtime of the soul will return and so will the creativity.  Now is time in the dumps.  Sit tight until the season turns.

Early rising Rude awakening

On Saturday I went Christmas shopping with the Footless Man.  This means that he rode around in the car and listened to his favorite radio programs, and I galloped in and out of the stores getting gifts for My Stepdaughter Who May Be the Death Of Me Someday, plus her children, plus my two.  I mostly knit my gifts but some people wouldn't appreciate the gift and so they get store bought.
Sunday I went down to visit the Erstwhile child and His sweetie, Plus stopping in at MSDWMBTDOMS to drop off some Food.
I got back home late and headed right to bed and sleep.....and woke up in the early dark in a panic.  It was 5:45 and I was due at my job in five minutes agh agh hurry, call, dress simultaneously!!!!! I reached her with one leg in my jeans and my Bra half on while holding the phone and told her I would be right there.....Except that That is what I do on Tuesday, and it is Monday, as she sweetly reminded me.
So I climbed back into my nice warm bed and overslept for my first appointment of the morning instead.

Yet another piece of the cards

The Maiden

The Maiden is a developmental archetype.  She is the symbol of the power in potential creativity and sexuality. The power of the Maiden can be seen in her icon in the modern world, Barbie.  The power and attraction of Barbie is purely the maidens power of creativity and sexuality. That’s why she was instantly popular and persists to this day.  All the protesting that goes on about her body and the image it creates in a young girl's mind is useless.  She has the highly identifiable mark of the maiden, a honking huge set of boobs.  Young girls are transfixed at the sight.

  In most girls, their real creative powers begin to show about the time of menarche. Just as their bodies are blooming in the possibilities of being able to create a child, their minds and hearts are blooming with all kinds of other creative possibilities.  They begin to learn to make, they begin to write and draw and make music.  If all goes well with this early bloom time the maiden continues to use her creative impulse to prepare herself for adult life, and a time when her body is ready for the task of motherhood. 

Part of the difficulty of being a maiden or helping one is that the full flush of that sexual power is so strong (and it generally is her first experience with any kind of power at all) that she has no steering wheel and no brakes. She can be entirely unguided and can find herself facing life affecting consequences for her out of control behavior.

Maiden time ends with a pregnancy.  She may become a mother or she may become pregnant with a calling or a creative task. In any case her creative powers are harnessed to something outside herself.

In healthy women the movement from maiden to mother is a natural maturing process that happens over time.  

 The shadowy side to the  Maiden  is the misuse of the maiden's power.  Should the maiden refuse to mature she can linger in her maiden state enamored with her sexuality until time runs out and her attractions fade with age.  If she happens to have children she moves into the role of the Abandoning mother, causing untold misery and setting her children up for a very painful and unhappy life.

 Tired of Husks and Swine

In the story of the prodigal son there comes a point of truth.  He is in a far country living with the pigs he is herding and eating their leftovers, when it finally occurs to him that even the least of his father’s herdsmen are better off than this.

He decides to go back and take a job with his father. He chose to face the humiliation of admitting that he messed up big time rather than enduring starvation, hunger and shame.

We all have moments of truth where we have a profound weariness with our circumstances and want to make a spiritual U turn.  Alcoholics call it kissing concrete or hitting bottom.

“It takes some folks a weary long time to tire of the husks and the swine”

Knitting again.

My parents often wondered why I could lay aside a promising project for months and sometimes years.  Then at a later date I would dig it up and finish it with a flourish.  It took me a long time to understand it myself.  Sometimes I lack the strength and maturity and insight to complete a particular project.  Sometimes it needs time to marinate in my creative brain.  These things take time.  Other times I get bored with the process and need a recess to freshen my perspective.  I am freshening my perspective on the socks that I am temporarily not knitting in favor of test knitting my Hoodlet pattern. 

I can't discard the socks for long, I need to finish them by Sunday. At the same time I am finding that Disraeli was right.  A change of problem and perspective is as good a break as I need.  Besides. The hat is another gift.

A knitting digression

I am working on the last of the Christmas socks.  I am working up the cuffs and getting burnt out with the yarn.
Yarn that is dyed for socks comes in a lot of pre-dyed patterns and possibilities, most of them good.  Somehow I got hold of a skein that entirely belied it's possibilities by looking fairly charming in the skein and being pretty startling in the sock.  It has heathery qualities, and purpleness and pinkish tones, all of which sound rather nice.
However it may be, the combination just doesn't work according to my vision of how this is supposed to look.  It hasn't surpassed the sun bleached Easter egg horror I knit up last spring but in my eye it is running a very close second. 
Part of the reason that I am complaining about it is that I want to get on with test knitting a hood/caplet pattern for the hat  that I made for myself  last year. People have asked me for the pattern. (Pattern? says I, What Pattern?)  So I wrote it up and will be knitting it up.  As soon as I finish with the socks.