Enlightenment happens

Mr Footless has been struggling with the pump.  I finally realized something about Mr Footless that will make dealing with things much easier.
Mr Footless is high blood sugar phobic.  The struggles that he has had are there because he fears high blood sugar and the complications so much that he prefers to put his life in danger by going low.
So the" leave things high and work them out slowly" approach really really doesn't work.
Today I set his bolus settings to something that is going to overdose him.  He will be much better about tapering things from low to high than high to low. 
The professionals don't get this. I do. 

Steeeep learning curve with random remarks.

Things have been moving along.  The pump is working but not as well as we would like.  There are still too many lows.  When lows happen on the pump at least you can shut it down  so that you aren't fighting the infusing insulin on top of the low.  none the less, we have been cutting the amount of base that Mr Footless gets at night.  We are still too high but this takes time.  The programmed amounts for food and getting down from the highs are too small.  we have improved this by a lot but it still isn't right. Another piece of unexpected education; infusion sets and hairy bellies make for horrible defoliation scenes when you take the old set off.  The way to make it work right is to take the tube off the set,draw around the adhesive with a sharpie, choose the site for the next set. shave it, insert the new set. and only then remove the old one.
We got the first electric and gas bills that mean something since the weatherization. after the first month with the heat on consistently our gas bill (Last year at this time 124.00) was..... 43.00.  The electric bill dropped by 16 dollars with the new refrigerator.  Hurrah.

Mr Footless continues to wrestle the pump into submission

Mr Footless is not terribly happy with me.  The problem is that I read and comprehend direction and procedure easily and well. I am also a lot more at home with technology than he is.  The idea that the pump can make the calculations and administer the right bolus faster and easier than he can is counter to his life view.
This morning I helped him change the tubing and put in a new reservoir.  He discovered that eating and not administering a bolus dose is not a good idea, over all, and he begins to have a handle on it.  His morning blood sugars are still too low but over all he's doing good.

in which I consider whacking Mr Footless upside the head

Mr Footless Man has a number of things that I admire.  He is gentle, compassionate and he never teases me on a sore point.  He has among his more interesting qualities the ability to persist.  He doesn't back up any better than a pig, and he will apply himself to a problem and come to some sort of resolution by sheer stubborn bull hardheadedness. 
The fact that he has survived in as good health as he has is a tribute to his participation in his own care.  He put the pro in proactive back when MD meant Minor Deity (and the patient was supposed to do what the doctor said and no argument) and has participated in his care mostly to his better health and sometimes to his detriment.
After an intensive class and a week of studying the manuals, Mr Footless decided to begin using the insulin pump.  The first thing he told me was that he wanted to reprogram the basal dose and approximately double it.
I refrained from screaming (you have no idea how this is going to affect you and you want to fiddle with the numbers because you think they are wrong???? )and suggested through clenched teeth that he not mess with the programs until he had been on the pump for at least 48 hours.
  He grumphed but did as I suggested.  Good thing too.  Twelve hours in and I am pretty sure that he may need the base dose dialed back a bit.  It looks good so far.  His blood sugars are within reason and he seems to be getting the idea of letting the machine do the thinking.
I will be checking on him in a minute before I head in to bed.  it has been a long day.

Letting go, moving on.

Yesterday I went up to Conifer hill and began packing in the things that I wanted to get down before the beginning of the year.  The day was lovely.  The cabin is partly disassembled and many things of great sentimental value have been incorporated into my house.  I am still digesting what this means to me.
Both the boys made it up and took things that they wanted and needed home as well.  I am tired and sad to let this enormous part of my life go.
But it is true.  The cabin needs more time and energy and money than anyone in the family can give it.  It needs structural work that is critical for safety and the attic is infested with wood rats.  it was a wonderful part of our lives.  I am so glad it was there, so much of who I am and how I think both good and bad grew up there.  I will carry it in my heart all my life.
bless the land, bless us all good bye and good luck.

Poke at it from a distance

The Footless Man has had his insulin pump delivered.  It is a very spiffy number and it came with a choice of colors, so it is purple.  It came in a box with lots and lots of sinister looking packaged thingummies that turn out to be connector doohickeys and flasklets that hold insulin.
In the spirit of nine year old boy inquiry Mr Footless opened one of the packages to examine the slightly sinister occupant.  After eying it carefully, twiddling all the bits, removing all the removable pieces and re assembling the works afterwords, He concluded that he has no idea how it installs the wee plastic tube that delivers the insulin in carefully measured doses. 
This thing comes with a tome approximately 12 times its volume which was unable to enlighten him.*  It spoke of many things, just not that.  He remained mystified for a week and a half until the trainer called to set up a training session.  She sweetly directed him to the company website and the training videos contained therein.
Last night Footless and I sat and looked at the training vids.  It was very informative.  The mystery is solved to his satisfaction and mine as well.
*I am wary of any technical thingy that has an instruction booklet bigger than the object, or that weighs more than the object.  This does both.

Morning Meditation

I was sitting here this morning and playing solitare while I was waiting for the computer to finish its internal scan.  It struck me very hard to realize how damaging and painful judgement is, and how much we need to be loved.  Problem is, that judgement is easy.  Loving is hard.
In all the struggles that I have had, underneath it all I have wanted to be seen and to be recognized.
More than that I have wanted to be loved. 
Where I can be helpful to the people that I see is not in what I can do for them but in the quality of the loving that I can give them. 
Now that I understand that, how does it change who I am and how I act in the world?