I am messing around

There

Painful.

Having flashbacks is not my idea of a good time.  If I was going to have them why don't the good parts flash  too?
Mr Footless was the love of my life.  With all the mess and horrible of the last few years I did in fact love him.  One of the deal breakers of the last bit of being where I have been is simple.  Insulin Shock.
I don't know and will never know how much of the last  few years of crazy was a piece of manipulation and actually under some control and how much was Mr Footless's  weird metabolism going entirely bonkers because of age and slow deterioration. 
Whatever the answer was, Mr Footless was in and out of Insulin Shock several times a month.  He was so brittle that I could be talking to him and have him suddenly go into convulsions with a glucose level of 25 or thereabouts.
I was on first name basis with the EMT s and fire guys from the local ambulance station. I can't count how many times that I had six to ten big guys in my bedroom reviving my spouse to cart him off to the emergency room only to have him go through the whole thing a week or so later.
Nothing that we tried to bring things under control worked, absolutely nothing.
It was exhausting, it was terrifying, it was horrible and I realize now that He never experienced any of it. 
I was on the outside of the crazy having to do what needed to be done and dealing with having my home invaded by people who might not have paid attention but still saw and judged the chaos that we were living in. Then I would have to deal with someone who was pretty much in pain and battered up from convulsions plus being humiliated and angry from having a whole lot of guys in his space when he was not dressed for company.
  But for him, the actual experience was a blank.  I was terrified out of my gourd with these episodes and he was entirely unaware of what it was like for  the people who were there to go through this.
I understand now that I have developed a whole lot of strength, a calm head, and the ability to let go of any sense of embarrassment about what this must look like to the casual observer or any need to apologize for any of it.
I had to deal with it, but I didn't need to die of embarrassment because Mr Footless was having/being a problem. It wasn't my illness.  My illness was the codependency that made me unable to not participate in this incredible dance with death.
I walked out because I was unable to stay and survive.  If I had stayed, I have no idea if I would have been able to come out of this with my health and sanity intact.  It was  unbelievably hard, I wanted to go back every single day to stay.  I just couldn't.
And now he is dead, He is buried, and the hoard is being disbursed.  The house is coming back together. 
So what have I gained through all of this?
Strength.
Calm in the face of Chaos
Unflappablilty
A low tolerance for some kinds of crazy.
I know that I was not alone in any of this.
 I am not alone  now in this.
I am safe.
I also know that I would rather be alone all the rest of my life rather than ever let that kind of insanity into my life again.
 

So that's what it is

I have been really upset and really vulnerable this last few days.  one of my clients mentioned that she has been having flashbacks and I suddenly figured it out;  I have been waking up in a panic at 4:00 in the morning having insulin shock flashbacks since Mr Footlesses birthday.  I am finally safe enough to be terrified.  Oh goody.

Dear Mr Footless

Today was your birthday. You would have been 75. Your daughter and I spent a lot of time talking this weekend about the last year and a half, and what that was like for us.  The words that she used were Compassion and Grace.  I understand now that you were in the depths of paranoid dementia.  Neither one of the two of us can figure out how much of it was drug induced and at this point it really doesn't matter if it was opioid use or brain shut down that made you so entirely impossible to deal with.  Over all I am glad that you  are gone.  I loved you for most of the twenty three years we were married.  Out of twenty seven, that's not a bad ratio.
I am still dealing with the hoard, the house is still in progress, but the things that you could not deal with or do are being done.  The family things are back where they belong and the records of the mess have been burned, shredded, or mulched.
 I miss you.  I miss the man I married, who was my friend, partner and support and whom I dreamed some mighty dreams with.
I am so glad that you got to see your Grand daughters graduate from high school and go on to be functional people in the world.  They all are regular working folks, holding jobs and supporting themselves. 
You got to see my boys graduate from college.  That was a big dream for you too.  The dings and pain were there, and both of them have needed help to get past the pain but both of them have been doing the work they need to do.
I am still in limbo.  I still am focusing on the cleanup and not on my "proper" work but I still have some recovering to do.  The last year of your life plus the year before that took it all out of me and while I held things together I was just scraping by. 
Wherever you are please keep a loving eye on the Swordsman and Thursdays Child, They need whatever help that you can give them.
The Erstwhile Child will be getting married soon, please keep and eye out there as well.
I love you , I miss you.
wherever you may be please think of me
Love, Dances